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I Almost Feel Tough . . .My lesson for the week:
(Softball, thrown by a man with massive arms)
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(My [formerly] beautiful face)
=
No, those marks on my face are not stitches. They are the imprint of the softball threads into my skin. The ball literally hit my face so hard that the threads cut their mark into my skin. Let me explain. I was playing softball with my co-ed team Thursday night, and during the course of the first game, managed to take a softball right in the face, thrown by the man who hit three home runs that night. He had a pretty strong arm, as evidenced by the ball he threw knocking me straight out. I literally dropped like a rock. But then I woke up, sat up, and continued on playing for the remainder of that game, and the next. After that, though, I decided that I should probably go to the emergency room, because I felt like crap. My whole face felt like someone had hit me with a bat (or a softball, as it were). Anyway, the final prognosis is that I have a concussion, whiplash from the impact, and a broken nose. Wonder of all wonders, I have no bruising. I never bruise, which is more evidence of my weird-as-hell body.
My face does hurt pretty damn bad, though.
"I shall grow old but never lose life's zest, because the road's last turn will be the best." -Henry van Dyke
Much Ado About . . . a Lot, ActuallySince I've been away for so long, I thought I'd let you know what's been going on in the life of Courtney these days. I'm as busy as ever, with more men in the picture than I ever thought possible (and I'm sure that surprises none of you!) So, here goes:
I started my current job nearly a year ago, and almost from the first moment, I felt like I had found 'my' place. I felt comfortable with the people, comfortable with the policies, comfortable with the general outlook, and the direction the company was moving in.
A year later, and that feeling has intensified. Right now, I'm working a lot, and we've made so many changes I'm having a hard time remembering them all, but I love going to work every day. And that makes all the difference in the world. And I feel like every single day I make a difference, and that feels oh, so good.
Braeden is doing very well. Even though he is meeting all requirements for moving on to first grade, his teacher is still recommending that I hold him back, which makes absolutely no sense to me. I've decided to go ahead and send him on to first grade, and I feel very confident in my decision. Basketball season has just ended, and t-ball season has just begun, and I'm playing on a softball team as well, so our weeknights and weekends are full of sports. (Still no single parents, so it looks like the Northwest Arkansas people are still working on their marriages.
 ) Other than that, I think he's just enjoying being a little boy. We have a new puppy, whom Braeden aptly named Cosmo. He is super-cute, and a bundle of energy. And I'm continually cleaning up for him. Isn't he just too cute?
In January, I talked about my recent diagnosis with PCOS, and the steps my doctor and I were taking to treat it. We haven't had a lot of luck getting all the symptoms to go away, and with controlling my hormone levels, so he sent me to a specialist last week, who performed all sorts of wonderful tests on me. I should be hearing some results back pretty soon. I just want to be done worrying about all this crap. On a brighter note, however, the insulin resistance drug the doctor prescribed has had a wonderful side effect - I've lost 12 pounds! I can't see it anywhere other than my face, but even there it looks pretty damn good! Have a look for youself:
You can't deny that beautiful face! (And yes, you can punch me for my arrogance later.
In the course of things, this would be the time for me to talk about all the men, but I think we need an entire blog post for that. This thing would be way too long if I started talking about all of them. So I'll leave you wondering . . .
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt
The Prodigal Son Returns . . .Okay, okay, I'm sorry I've disappeared for more than a month. I'm not dead, or lying in a hospital somewhere (as some have suggested), I've just been very, very busy. My birthday was last week (and where were alll my birthday wishes??!!) and I celebrated for way too long. And there are lots of men in my life suddenly!
Anyway, I shall return. Hope all is well with you! Heart Attack . . .So, a week after having the dream that Braeden was kidnapped, I lose him in a clothing store. Monday night we were shopping, and I was looking at some jeans. When I turned around, Braeden was nowhere to be seen. I freaked out. Probably more than I normally would considering the previous dream. I immediately started yelling for him, and when he didn't respond, I caught the first employee and told them I had lost a child and to lock the doors at once, not letting anyone out until I had found him.
He was only lost for about 7 minutes, but I believe those were the longest seven minutes of my life. Nothing had happened to him; he had wandered off and then couldn't find his way back to me. We were both crying by the time we found each other. I need a vacation. "Children will not remember you for the material things you provided, but for the feeling that you cherished them." -Richard L. Evans A Sense of the SixthI very rarely dream. Or, maybe the correct way to say that is, I very rarely have a conscious memory of any dreams I may have. However, I have been known to have a dream, and then that dream come true.
The first time it happened, it was with something very insignificant. I have a friend, Luke, who I didn't see for about 4 years after graduation. He moved away with the Navy, and I was still here at home. One night, I dreamt that I saw him at a football game. The next day, I told my mother about it, because it was odd that I would dream about someone I hadn't seen or even talked to in years, and we were actually on our way to a football game. And who do I see walking up the sidewalk outside the stadium than Luke? It freaked me out, to tell the truth.
Since then, it's happened a couple more times - but never with something important. The dreams have always dealt with seemingly insignificant things. What's tricky, though, is trying to figure out which ones are going to come true, and which are not. The ones that do come true have a common theme - they're very real. There aren't any imaginary elements in them. It's almost like I'm watching a movie starring myself. The other dreams all have imaginary components (the recurring dream in which I'm being chased by a dragon, for example), and I never expect they're going to manifest themselves.
The reason I'm writing about this is that I've had two very disturbing experiences lately, one a true dream and the other more of a conscious something. A couple of weeks ago, I had another one of those dreams where everything looks perfectly normal, like I'm actually living whatever is in the dream. Braeden and I were out and about, doing our normal everyday things. And then suddenly the dream plunged right into a nightmare. Braeden was kidnapped. And the dream was so specific and detailed. I remember calling the police, and answering their thousand-and-one questions. I remember going through my digital camera, looking for my most recent picture of Braeden (which was one from his basketball game the Saturday before). An Amber Alert was issued, and at the end of the dream, the police were telling me that he had been missing for too long, and we probably weren't ever going to find him.
I woke up in a cold sweat, and immediately went to Braeden's room, just to physically make sure that he was still sleeping there in his John Deere-themed room. I've been on hyper-alert for the last week, because I'm completely freaked out by the thought that this might turn into a real-life situation.
The other experience wasn't a dream at all. It happened while I was wide awake. I was getting ready for bed one night a few days ago, and suddenly the only thoughts in my brain were dealing with the death of my grandfather. I was envisioning his death and funeral in my mind, but I was wide awake. I tried to stop thinking about it, even going so far as to turn on my radio next to my bed to distract my brain. Nothing worked, and I couldn't sleep for thinking about what I would say as a eulogy at his memorial service. I finally had to get out of bed and write down the eulogy that I had written in my head, and once I did that, I was able to go to bed and go to sleep. But I was very upset by the whole thing. I've said from the very beginning that there are just a few people who I would be devastated to lose, and he's absolutely one of them.
The next day my grandmother called and said that Papa had been put in the hospital the night before, with chest pains and breathing problems. He seems to be fine now, and is no longer in the hospital, but I wonder what else was going on.
I'm not sure what to think of all this. I have always been a staunch believer in that elusive 'sixth sense' that some people seem to have. I think that everyone has it, but a lot of people don't recognize it, whether accidentally or intentionally. I think we're all connected by more than just the physical realm to one another. But right now, the otherworldly connection is freaking me the hell out. And I'm praying that the dream about Braeden was just that - a neurological manifestation representing something entirely different.
"Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight." -Rossiter Worthington Raymond In Case You Were Not Already Aware . . .News flash: Life is complicated.
I am known (online and off) for my independent nature. I do not feel the need to conform to society's standards for living, regardless of public opinion. This applies to all aspects of my life - love, sex, work, parenting, family, etc.
For the last three years I've bucked the norm by remaining single and enjoying it. I've had a ton of fun, and experienced some incredible things (Cancun anyone?). My family has had a hard time understanding that, and apparently I've done a sucky job of explaining it. For those of you who are unaware of the culture here where I live, this is a special place. The Bible Belt region of the U.S. places a huge emphasis on traditional actions. It is considered very unpopular for young people to be unmarried parents, or for anyone to be attracted to someone of the same sex, or for anyone to participate in 'intercourse' outside the 'holy sanctity of marriage'. It is also very rare to find a woman of my age that is not married or divorced. In fact, there are several woman from my graduating high school class that I can think of off the top of my head who have been married or divorced several times by now.
At this point in my life, I feel like I'm ready for a relationship - emotionally ready, and that's an accomplishment for me. However, there are so many other things going on in my life - I'm not sure I have the time or the energy for that kind of a commitment. By the time my day ends, I know that I've wrung every possible ounce of get-up-and-go that I have, and that's without a man at all!
At the same time, there are so many decisions to be made right now. Two of the most important current choices: 1) Braeden's teacher has recommended that he be held back to repeat kindergarten next year; and 2) I'm having to decide on a new vehicle by noon tomorrow, and there is the tricky situation of a lack of gap insurance and a totaled-out brand-spanking-new car. The car decision is a pain in my ass, and difficult on the budget, but I can make that one by myself. The decision regarding Braeden's education, however, is a hard one to make. (This is how it works: his teacher can recommend that he be held back, but it's my decision in the end.) The problem there is this decision, a decision that I have to make solely on my own (his father's response when I told him the situation was "well, I'm sure you'll make the right choice"), will have a lasting impact on Braeden's life. Whether I choose yes or no, there will be repurcussions. How the hell do I possibly make a decision like that? I'm not qualified to be making those kind of decisions!!
My current relationships with men consist mostly of 'friends-with-benefits' arrangements. I have no problem getting together for a little physical release, but I don't have the time, generally speaking, to sit and have a conversation. I've got 'friend-friends' for that. There is one man that is making a run for something more. Dextric (originally mentioned here) is still going strong, and I find myself liking him more and more. He's smart and funny and just a little bit goofy, all of which are major pluses in the pros column. He understands that I don't have a lot of free time, so he's perfectly willing to come over to my house at 9:00 p.m. (after I've put Braeden to bed) and sit and talk with me while I do homework, until midnight when he leaves to drive the 40 minutes back to his own house. He's not needy, as evidenced by the lack of pouting that occurs when a couple weeks go by before we see each other, and I very much appreciate that. I was just at his house last night to watch a movie, and after the movie we laid in the bed and cuddled and talked (no sex - it's okay - I'll give you a minute to gasp in shock) for a couple of hours. And it was really, really nice. (Did I mention that he's a social worker? And that he's also going to school like me? Is he perfect or what?)
The point of this entry (which has been unbelievably long and rambling - I'm sorry) is that while I enjoy being on my own, the last several weeks have had me wishing for someone around to cuddle, and for someone to help me make the decisions that kick my ass. I feel a little bit lonely, and a whole lot alone. I'm sure it'll pass, as it always does. For tonight, though, I'm going to hug my body pillow a little tighter, and dream of a really, really yummy man.
"What is uttered from the heart alone, will win the hearts of others to your own." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Ouch . . . That HurtHere's a little lesson in the Laws of Nature:
(Snow)
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(My car - before)
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(An icy, steep hill)
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(My car - after)
AND
(My poor, poor car)
Braeden and I were both in the vehicle. I had just picked him up from school, and we were headed home. There is a long, really steep hill (not the one pictured, actually - I wasn't going to chance driving to that one again), and it was covered in ice and snow. I started down it, and immediately started to slide, which isn't a big deal, since I know how to handle a slide. What was a big deal, however, was the minivan some stupid idiot had left illegally parked in the street at the bottom of the hill. Instead of my slide coming to a stop at the bottom just because there was nowhere else to go, I came to a stop when I hit the minivan. That didn't cause much damage, to either of our vehicles, but the 1-ton pickup sliding down the hill behind me that smashed into us did. Braeden was in the backseat, and came very close to being very seriously injured. As it was, both of us had to be transported to the hospital in an ambulance - he ended up with only a minor bump on the head (thank goodness), and I ended up with whiplash (and I hurt like hell today).
My car is probably totaled, which means that all the work I did just five months ago, researching and buying a new one, was all for naught. I'm going to have to do it again. But at least neither Braeden nor I were seriously injured. That is what's most important, after all.
"The difficulties, hardships and trials of life, the obstacles one encounters on the road to fortune are positive blessings. They knit the muscles more firmly and teach self-reliance. Peril is the element in which power is developed." -W. Matthews
HopeI have had some lingering health problems for the last several years now, and have been told numerous things as to the root cause. I've gone through doctor after doctor after doctor, with most of them passing off my 'symptoms' as psychological and/or stress-related. I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to know that something is not right, but to be told that you are imagining things.
When I started my new job, I quickly found a new physician about a block from my office, hoping that he would be convenient for my health-care needs. What I found instead was a doctor that actually listens when I talk, who asks questions that actually mean something, and who works to find a reason behind any complaint.
And so, finally, last week I was given a diagnosis. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I cannot tell you how relieved I am just to have an answer to the question that has been on my mind for years! As of now, we are treating this with hormone therapy (i.e. birth control pills - since I'm not actively trying to get pregnant!!) and (since the condition also causes insulin resistance - similar to that of diabetes - which itself causes weight gain and an inability to lose weight) an insulin resistance drug called Metformin. I can't give you an update on how the drugs are working, but really what I'm most excited about is knowing what's going on, and what I need to do to fix it, and also knowing that I have someone in my corner - namely, Dr. Olsen!
This condition is entirely reversible - so wish me luck, guys. I'm going to be doing my best to make 2007 the healthiest year of my life!
"Our strength grows out of our weakness." -Ralph Waldo Emerson The Grass is Always Greener . . .I sometimes look at other people, and their lives, and their situations, and think, "if only I had their life - everything would be so much easier." If only I had her husband, or his house, or her job, or their kids. If only I had gone to school before having Braeden, if only I had married Jeramy, if only, if only . . .
It isn't that I don't like - love - enjoy my own life, because I do. I love that I have Braeden all to myself, that I get to enjoy all the hugs and kisses and achievements and little milestones without sharing them. I love my independence and freedom and the sheer variety of men I get to enjoy. I love my job, and the company I work for, and the people I work with who make every day an adventure. I love my friends, and my family, and all the people I've surrounded myself with.
You've all heard the adage, "the grass is always greener on the other side". It's very easy to fall into that sort of thinking, of imagining what our lives would be like 'if only'. But we fail to remember that every person has trials and tribulations, and every person struggles to get through each and every day. Every person wonders what their life would be like 'if only'. No matter if they've got buckets of money, or the 'perfect' relationship (as if there were such a thing), or the top spot in their field of choice.
The other day I even found myself a little envious even of Braeden. I thought, "what I would give to have such a simple life! Nothing more to worry about than kindergarten and picking a toy to play with or what cartoon channel to watch on the television." But then I came across him, at 7 p.m., right after dinner. I had been in the kitchen, cleaning up (which is rare in and of itself!!), and he was unusually quiet, so I went to investigate. And this is what I found:
That's when I remembered. Kindergarten is rough - he's pressured every day to learn to read, which seems so, well, elementary to me, but it would, since I've been doing it for about 20 years!! And then all the other things he's learning, basically the building blocks of his entire education - the days of the week, numbers, simple addition and subtraction - so many new things every day. And of course it can't be too easy having me as a parent - I'm not sure I could handle it!
So even Braeden, a kindergartner, has a life that you and I would maybe consider very easy and simple, but from his perspective is obviously exhausting.
Walking into the living room and seeing that precious little boy fast asleep just kind of made me realize that no matter how perfect and awesome I think anyone else's life is, mine is pretty damn good. And I probably wouldn't want the problems that come along with anyone else's.
So I guess the moral here is that the grass in my little corner of the pasture is looking as green as it gets. Life is good. And only made more interesting by its imperfections.
"The greater the emphasis on perfection the further it recedes." -Haridas Chaudhuri
The Year of ChangeThe end of another year is imminent, and I don't know about you, but I'm ready for it. This has been a weird year. I feel like I've had the shit knocked out of me, several times over. I'm not sure why I feel like that - there have definitely been some crappy things happen, but nothing decidedly major.
When I look back at the beginning of this year, I'm amazed at how much has changed. My New Year's resolution a year ago was to get rid of all the drama-philes in my life. I don't like resolutions, in general, because I don't think many people stick to them, and they become useless and ineffectual. However, I'm happy to say that I've stuck with my resolution this year, and I'm happier for it. It's not been an easy resolution to stick with, but I've done pretty well. To be honest, I've just been too damn busy this year to deal with anyone else's problems. Maybe that's selfish, but it seems to be working for me.
Braeden has taken the monumental step from 'my baby' to 'my little kindergartner'. He's had to adjust to a lot this year, including spending five weeks with his father for the first time, which was hard on both of us.
I started going back to school this year as well, which makes me prouder of myself than I've been in a very long time. I won't lie - it's been the hardest thing I've ever done - trying to balance my career and school with being the best mom I can be to Braeden. There are days when I want nothing more than to turn the alarm off and crawl back under the covers, to burrow in and try to forget the million-and-one to-dos that need marking off the list.
I also changed jobs this year, and started working for a company that I've come to love. Sometimes I can't believe my luck in finding this company - I believe in it, and I love the people I work with. I'm not in love with my job itself, but I know that there are more opportunities to come, and all I need to do is stick with it.
This year has been a stellar year for my dating life. From Kelly to Carlos to Dave to Chris to Dustin to James to Matthew to Mark to John to Jon to Kelly (again) to Frankie #1 to Sam to Neill to Maurice to Jon to K. to Nick to Beau to Johnny to B.B. to Tracey to Dominique to Leno to Todd to Matt to Kofi to Jeff to Marcus to Farrukh to Drew to Marty to Dextric to Alan to Jake to Frankie #2 to David to Quincy. Whew. It has been quite a year. To be honest, I don't anticipate ever having another year like this one in terms of sheer numbers. And I'm not sure I could handle it if I did.
It's been an interesting year. One I wouldn't want to repeat. I've felt 'in-over-my-head' for much of it, and my need for control doesn't appreciate that at all. But I've made some important strides in becoming the woman I want to be - through therapy, school, a career change, and a renewed commitment to parenting. I guess, for me, the most important question to ask at the end of every year is, "Am I a better person at the end of this year than I was at the beginning?" I can honestly answer that question with a resounding yes this time around. What more could I ask for?
"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right." - Oprah Winfrey
Where's the Fourth?(I need to tell you in advance that this entry is incredibly long, and you'll probably need to take notes to keep up. Consider yourself warned.)
I like men. I don't know if y'all are aware of that or not, but I do. I like them short or tall, bald or hirsute, skinny or tubby. It doesn't matter. I think I might be a little bit of a player, too.
I spoke previously of Drew. He's still around. We had dinner together on Sunday, and talk on the phone every day. He's a little bit too hands-on (and I don't mean that in the physical sense), and that has a tendency to push me away. I just don't like clingy (read:needy) guys. He is super-nice, though, and a little perverted, just like me. We share a particular fantasy involving a pool full of Jello. And he only eats the filling on fruit cobbler, whereas I only eat the crust. Sounds like a match made in heaven, no? (I am not convinced.)
Two new players have entered the game, as of this last weekend. Both of them I met at the Icehouse, this really cool restaurant/club in downtown Bentonville.
Marty had a girlfriend when I originally met him. It was the first night I was out after Braeden went to his dad's, and I continued to see him out regularly for those several weeks that Braeden was gone. We talked quite a bit then - I was interested, and so was he, but he had the girlfriend, and I don't play those games. So, until a week ago Friday, I hadn't seen him, but we had chatted back and forth a little on Myspace. However, when I was out with Drew that night, who do I see but Marty? And guess who had actually been really good friends with Drew up until a couple of years ago? That's right, Marty. Marty and I talked a little bit that night, but I was on a date with another guy, you know, so we couldn't really get into much. One thing he did say, however, was that he and his girlfriend had called it quits.
After that, I sent him my phone number on Myspace, and we've been talking ever since. He says that the reason he and his girlfriend broke up is because he couldn't stop thinking about me. I don't know how much of that is truth and how much is bull...hockey, but I'll let him butter me up a little. After I had dinner with Drew the other night, I said goodbye to him, and then went out with Marty. (Score one for Courtney!) And he's on his way over tonight to watch a movie with me. This guy is just incredibly loveable, and he worships the ground I walk on. I'm not going to lie - I kind of like it. He's not too clingy, but he's made it perfectly clear that he wants to be in a relationship with me. There's a fine line there, and he's currently doing an impeccable job of walking it.
And that brings me to Dextric (pronounced Deh-trik - the x is silent). When I was telling K the story about meeting Marty when I was out with Drew, I mentioned that one of Marty's friends looked a lot like this guy Dextric that I also met at the Icehouse. When I said the name, K said, "wait, I know Dextric." I was like, "no, you don't - shut up and listen to my story." But it turns out he really did know Dextric. He immediately called Dextric to ask about me, and Dextric said that he had called me (I gave him my number that night we met) and left a message and I had never called him back. (Now listen, I don't ignore the phone when hot men call me. I am not that stupid.) I refuted that, and now Dextric and I are talking regularly. We also had a date Saturday night, and he was over here last night to hang out with me. (I should tell you the story about he and I and a magnum of wine that I drank by myself Saturday night, but I don't think I will.)
One of the most awesome things that he's said so far involves the way I look. I am by no means a 'skinny-minny', but most often am completely happy with myself (I know I'm hot
 ). It is hard, though, because a lot of men want a thin woman, and it can be detrimental to my self-esteem occasionally to be compared to all those women all the time. Dextric is African-American, and he asked me if I had ever dated someone of that race before. I told him that I had, and that black men seem to prefer my body type over white men, and how much I love that. His response: "Yeah, I love that body. If you lost any weight, I don't think I'd date you anymore." Woo-hoo!! Where are the damn cupcakes?!? I'm fully aware that any obsession with outward appearance isn't ideal, and I don't think he was totally serious with that comment, but that it was nice hearing it anyway. He looks at me like he would at Miss Universe, and I could really get used to it.So last weekend I had three dates with three different men. Not a bad weekend, really. (Now I'm trying to figure out how to fit in a fourth - there's this really cute boy I saw at the mall today . . . )
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt
At Least This One Didn't SuckI've had multiple experiences with internet dating. Most of them haven't been good. And I keep saying that I'm done with it - and to be honest, I don't actively seek out men online anymore. However, my profile is still out there, so if any of them find me, they can contact me. I get about 5-10 emails a day, and I ignore most of them. The one from Drew, though, appealed to me for some reason. Most of the guys write some silly little email with no details, like they've perfected their opening line and then copy it for each successive woman.
Drew said, "Ok, so here's the deal . . . I've been looking around this thing for a couple of days now . . . and your picture keeps coming up . . . I gotta tell you . . . I'm intrigued . . . maybe it's your smile . . . I don't know . . . anyway maybe we could chat sometime . . . check out my profile and get back to me." Maybe it was his complete disregard for proper punctuation, or him complimenting my smile (I'm a sucker for flattery), or maybe I was just in a good mood that day, but I responded. We've been talking for the last couple of weeks, first through email, then on messenger, and finally on the phone.
Friday he surprised me. He knows how much I love ice cream, especially Dairy Queen blizzards made with peanut butter cups. So he came to my office (keep in mind this was before we met each other) and dropped off a blizzard at the front desk for me. He brought me ice cream!! How sweet is that? (As a woman who works with me said, "A good man brings you flowers, but a great man brings you ice cream.") And he didn't even try to meet me, because he knew that I wouldn't want to meet him without being sufficiently made-up. He just left it with the receptionist, so I'm just sitting at my desk and she calls me and tells me some cute man just left ice cream at the front desk for me. It made my Friday, I've got to tell you.
So that same night, we decided to meet in person. He met me at a local club, and we hung out there for an hour or so, and then went to Denny's, and talked until four in the morning. We had a great conversation, and seem to get along really, really well. There are a couple of things about him that bother me, so I'm trying to decide how important those things are. But I really like him, and I'm just excited I'm not making another Dates From Hell entry.
"Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what? Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident, and more and more successful." -Mark Victor Hansen
I'm Thankful . . .I'm thankful . . . for Braeden, who has turned out to be the love of my life. Thanksgiving, six years ago, is when I first announced my pregnancy to all my family and friends. The response was not encouraging, and it was a very hard holiday for me. I was in a very uncertain time in my life; however, I can say now that the last six years have been the most incredible of my life. Braeden has made my life worth something, and he makes me smile on those days when I feel like there's nothing left to smile about.
I'm thankful . . . that I have an incredible family. We may be dysfunctional, but we love each other, and that's where I'm luckier than most. There is so much love surrounding me that it sometimes feels like a tangible, atmospheric thing. (Now if only I could make them all get along with each other . . . )
I'm thankful . . . that I have the best friends in the world. Some have been with me since preschool, and some are more recent additions, but they all make every day interesting. Especially Matt, who has been my rock for as long as I can remember. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without him, and I hope he knows it. And Brock, who has become one of my closest friends. We understand each other, and he makes me proud to be who I am.
I'm thankful . . . for the opportunity to go back to school. Even ten years ago, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to go to school online, from the comfort of my own house, and without that option, I wouldn't be able to do it at all. I feel thankful each and every day that I'm slowly making strides toward accomplishing my goals.
I'm thankful . . . for my job. I can't believe the oppurtunities that come my way with astonishing frequency. Not only does it pay the bills, it gives me the chance to make a name for myself.
I'm thankful . . . that I live in an area where I can have the best of both worlds - the proximity of culture (yes, culture, even though it is Arkansas) and city life, and the country only 30 minutes away. I went to the jogging path last night, and I was approximately 200 yards away from a major highway, and yet I came across 3 deer (including a still-spotted fawn!!) grazing around the path. We stared at each other for about 10 minutes before I finally moved on. And the family farm is so close - I love that I can get away so easily.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I hope that you take a few minutes today to think of everything you're thankful for. I haven't thought of much else today - I have a tremendous amount to be thankful for.
"Stand up, on this Thanksgiving Day, stand upon your feet. Believe in man. Soberly and with clear eyes, believe in your own time and place. There is not, and there never has been a better time, or a better place to live in." -Phillips Brooks Reading This Exhausts MeMy love life has been complicated recently. (Not that it has ever been simple, really.) I've had a bit of trouble keeping all the men straight in my own mind - so now I suppose I'll put them to paper - maybe that will help. The following is a list of all the men who are currently active in the life of Courtney, or who have been in the last month. (I'm going to apologize in advance for the length of this entry - the one subject I can talk about indefinitely is men, of course.)
And that, my friends, is the complete synopsis of my love life. It's been a busy month. To tell you the truth, I haven't had this much fun dating ever. Variety is the spice of life, they say - and my life is currently very spicy.
"Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy." -Brian Tracy Finals at the ParkOkay, I know that I've been suspiciously absent the last couple of months. I would apologize, but it wasn't my fault, really.
 But I'm back, and I'm trying to focus, and use a little more time management these days, so hopefully the entries will be less 'few and far between'.It was finals time again this last weekend. I sent Braeden away to Mike#1's for the weekend, and got ready to buckle down. After about 36 hours stuck in the house, studying and writing, I was getting very, very restless.
The weather here has been incredible the last few days. The leaves are all changing, and every tree by my house is aflame with color. I was sitting in the house, about 3 o'clock yesterday afternoon, wishing I could be outside instead of in the house, when I realized, why the hell did I buy a laptop if I was only going to use it in my house?
So I packed up my computer and folders, and went to the park a couple of blocks from my house. I got a little bit distracted for a while, but once I turned the media player on for some music, I was able to focus and really put out some great material while feeling the sun on my face. It was incredible. I don't know if I'm going to be able to study any other way now.
If the weather is as great where you are, take some time to enjoy it. Life is good.
"Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard." - Anne Sexton Where's My Mojo?I've been feeling a little 'off my feed' lately. I've always been supremely confident, and that's one of the things that makes me attractive to the opposite sex. In the last several weeks, however, I've almost felt like whatever it is that makes me special has gone far, far away. I've been longing for a certain man, and maybe it was knowing that he didn't want me back that was causing my uncertainty.
Whatever the cause, the effect has been a questioning of myself, which is a very new feeling for me. Maybe it's good for me to feel that for a little while.
Braeden left for his father's a week ago, and I have been burning up the town ever since. From the very first night, I realized that my uncertainty had fled. I was back out in the open, with lots of people, and my mojo was back. It's simply a matter of genetics to be the most beautiful person in the room. But to be the most interesting - now that is an accomplishment.
Of the last ten days, I've been out on the town six of them. And when I say out on the town, I mean it. I haven't been home before 4 a.m. once, and I'm really glad Braeden is coming home on Thursday, because I don't know how much longer I could have kept this up. But I'm really, really glad to have had the opportunity to give my confidence level a much-needed kick-start. I'm back, baby!
"The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated." -William James To All My Canadian FriendsI'd just like to say, to all my Canadian friends, that I'm sorry for my country's involvement in this. My heart aches for this man and his family.
Again, I'm sorry.
"We might extend our dominion over the whole continent . . . but be assured it will be at the price of our free institutions." -William Waters Boyce Such is LifeI am feeling so overwhelmed these days. In between school and work and Braeden and my family and friends, I just feel like I don't have an ounce of energy (or interest) left for anything else. Work is getting steadily busier, and with more work comes more stress for me. Braeden is now deep into the trials of kindergarten, and having a bit of trouble adjusting. I know that half of that can be attributed to my increased work hours, and less time to spend paying attention to him.
This block's classes for school are harder - about 2500 words a week written, in addition to about four other assignments. The last two blocks, I was spending about 3 hours a night on homework. This block, I've been spending that plus about 10 hours every weekend, and I just don't know how much longer I can do this. I haven't turned in one assignment this week, because I'm feeling so overwhelmed, and I am this close to quitting.
In addition to that, my love life couldn't be more confusing. There are men everywhere, but only one that I want. That one tends to send confusing signals at every turn, and I have no idea what's going on, except that we're both dating other people, while I just wish that I could focus on him, alone.
I saw all my friends last weekend - they were all in town for the funeral of the mother of one of my best friends. It hit us all really hard, and I've been kind of subdued ever since. It was great to see everyone, though. We all went out Friday night, and then got together at Matt and Kasey's parent's house Saturday night (pictures above). There, I played Circle of Death for the very first time. For those of you who haven't heard of Circle of Death, it's a drinking game. I got really, really, wasted, which was a bit of a stress-reliever, I guess. A better stress-reliever, though, was seeing Matt. I really wish that he still lived around here. We talk on the phone almost daily, but it just isn't the same.
So between work, school, Braeden, family, friends, and an unexpected brush with mortality, I'm not really feeling myself these days. It can only get better from here, right?
"If you could get up the courage to begin, you have the courage to succeed." -David Viscott
And This is Why I'm So PopularI received this little joke in an email, and it made me laugh and laugh. Read it, and you'll know why I'm so popular!!
"DATING RITUALS
IRISH WOMEN First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. The POINT? DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?" At least we're consistent!!
"Most of us are just about as happy as we make up our minds to be." -William Adams Wishing For Someone to Hold MeWhen I was growing up, I had a core group of friends who were always around. No matter what was going on, or what we were doing, we were always together. Heck, all you have to do is look at my senior prom picture to see what we were really like. Whereas most people have a picture of themselves and their date, I have a picture of the group of us.
Since we spent so much time together, we got to know each other's parents quite well. In fact, most of them became sort of surrogate parents for me. Since I was the only girl in the group, most of the mothers really enjoyed having me around. One of those surrogate mothers died today, and it has left me reeling.
I don't know what it is about her death in particular that's shaken me up so much. Maybe it's the cumulative effect of my grandfather dying several months ago, and a friend dying a couple of weeks ago, and now Patricia. I feel like I'm just waiting for someone else to pass away, too. I was sitting with Braeden tonight, reading him his bedtime story, and the only thing I could think was that I would just die if anything happened to him.
I also find myself wanting desperately to be holding onto someone tonight. I've always enjoyed living by myself, and sleeping by myself, but tonight the last place I want to be is in my bed alone. I want to crawl into bed with someone, wrap my arms around them, and fall asleep knowing that they'll be there in the morning.
Irrational, yes. Illogical, yes. I know it. But I can't help it. I just don't want to be alone tonight. But I am. So I'm going to bed feeling, for the first time in a long time, lonely.
"One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it." -Vincent Van Gogh |
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